FEAR- When to listen to it and when not to

Fear is useful. It is what keeps us alive. We wouldn't dare go pet a snake or eat a strange fruit from an unknown tree because we anticipate it could be poisonous. We anticipate what could go wrong and we know how to measure it and if it is a risk worth taking.

Fear of the stage is similar. However, it definitely would not cost us our life. If something goes wrong, it could affect the perception of who we are, in the minds of our audience. Simply put, we fear being judged in seconds or rather we fear being misjudged.

My first time on stage at age 5

Looking back at my own journey with the stage, things become clear. I remember taking up the microphone and singing in front of a large audience at age 5. Innocent, oblivious to self-consciousness, all I remember was walking up there to sing a song that I usually always sang alone, receive applause and show how talented I am and how good a song it was that I sang. It was the perfect launch- my performance was well-received, my neighbour aunties faces filled with envy telling their kids to be like me. It was as raw, shallow and simple as that.

Fast forward to age 8-9, I had grown to be a more self-conscious yet confident, joyful, comfortable-in-my-own-skin kid, excited rather than nervous about occupying the stage whenever there was an opportunity. As long as I knew what I wanted to speak about- I enjoyed it.

At age 11 however, things took a strange turn. I remember watching a girl go blank in front of the audience at school. I remember how she cried after. Somehow it affected me too much. I remember thinking- What if it had been me. It was one of the first triggers that began to pull me back. Fear of failing, fear of not remembering my lines and fear of being labelled as 'not smart'. Fear of public speaking managed to grab its first tentacles on me. I remember being stressed, trying to overdo my rehearsals, it was no longer plain excitement, it had transmogrified into anxiety. 

Back in the days, there were no people I would discuss this strange experience I was going through, and I was failing miserably at processing it myself. Fear in the right amount is useful but when it gets crippling, it is horrendous. I began to avoid situations that could expose me, even though I knew I would enjoy the limelight and sharing if things went well. I was clearly not able to weigh the risks and the benefits rationally. I failed to recognize the fact that it is normal to experience the adrenaline rush of FIGHT or FLIGHT and that one had to go through it to conquer the anxiety. The more I deprived myself stage time, the more negative self-talk I had, I became my own blockage- my self-esteem and confidence reduced. It was a vicious negative self-feedback loop I was drowning in.

At age 14, I went through a terrifying time on stage where I went completely blank and retreated with embarrassment while reciting a poem. It was a difficult poem that I couldn't grasp the complete meaning of in retrospect. I experienced a lot of stammering, dry mouth, quavering voice, body image issues, inferiority complex even during social situations forget stage time- teenage can be a difficult period. A year after that embarrassing event, I was pushed by my Biology teacher Juliet on several occasions to walk the stage again after years of avoiding it. There was something in her voice, a reassuring confidence in me that I did not have in myself. I was speaking again in my science clubs events! Tr. Juliet was able to push me out of my comfort zone. She was encouraging and was never hyper-critical about any of my mistakes. I still experienced the dry mouth, the racing heart beats and would dread going without notes in hand. I was able to manage with notes though. The tiny successes and the popularity ratings in high school made me go forward. I had unknowingly reached a stage where I moved forward, wanting to move forward despite my anxiety.

A few more years later, I was an undergraduate in my Engineering College. This time, I was resolute- I had to crack the code. How is it that there are so many who are so comfortable on stage- why can't I be like them- constantly ran in my thoughts. I had been through enough crippling fears by this age, that it felt like the right time to face it no matter what happens. I had reached a point where I was tired and frustrated at being fearful. This only left me with two things, persistence and a never give up attitude and it changed a lot of things. I read up a lot from the internet, took online courses, picked up my first public speaking self-help book by Dale Carnegie and experimented with techniques and styles with every presentation I gave. There had been times I was very happy with my performance and there were times I felt I was awful- but I persisted and didn't allow failure to stagnate me anymore

Speaking at a Toastmasters Open House Meeting in front of a large audience of 60+ at the JP Morgan auditorium, Bangalore
 

In 2018. I joined Toastmasters International (a non-profit organization that has public speaking clubs across the world) and it gave me a safe place to expose myself to the fear in a consistent way. Weekly speaking opportunities were just the thing I needed. There is nothing that works better than exposure to the fear frequently. The fear loses steam, the focus shifts to the message, the audience and the techniques. And that is when nervousness and performance anxiety finally gives up. A little fear however is always useful, completely being numbed by it also has its issues. These days for me, it's all about developing good content, about getting my techniques right and getting my message successfully across to my audience. Although I still experience an occasional dry mouth and heart beating fast- I am excited rather than nervous.

If I had to summarize my 30+ years speaking on stage and tell you how to get rid of the fear of Public Speaking, it is this:

1. You don't get rid of the fear completely but you use the fear to prepare well. But when irrational fears torment the mind- you need to ignore it.

2. Knowing everyone experiences stage fright and you are not alone helps. In other words- normalizing  it.

2. Having a never-give-up attitude and not getting affected by failures is very useful.

3. Thinking about the positive outcomes of speaking and all the goodness it could bring.

4. Exposing oneself incrementally to the fears frequently and rationalizing them

5. Having the focus right. It is not about sounding impressive as a speaker that is the primary focus, it is about the message and giving the audience something worthwhile. 

Someone put it beautifully- If you are afraid of something but it is worth doing. You do it anyway. Don't forget, stage fear in the right quantity has its purpose- it makes us prepare well. Remember fear is useful. Know when to listen to it and when not to.